To Do or Not to Do.... No Longer a Question.
People who have known me for a long time can attest that I’ve always been a “doer” but even if you don’t know me personally I’m sure you know the type… someone highly driven by constant accomplishment. That accomplishment can be as big as achieving straight A’s through high school and college or as simple as checking things off daily to-do lists that embody more items than most people could reasonably complete within a week. I’m that girl. I’m even in the eccentric category of people who adds completed items onto a to-do list just to experience the satisfaction of crossing those items off. Yep. I’m definitely that girl. Dawnmarie the Doer.
So there I was, happily “doing” life in a busy and big way until about 2005 when along came autism. BOOM! In retrospect the first diagnosis caused only a brief blip on my radar. My productivity slowed for a few weeks but quickly came back at an even higher level of “doing” than ever before. Although severely sleep deprived I gleaned a certain satisfaction over juggling two kids under the age of 2 plus mastering the gluten-free/dairy-free diet, DIR/Floortime training, biomed 101 and Nolo’s Guide to the IEP Process. Yep. The overachiever had found a virtual nirvana of things to do. (Scary to admit, but I think that’s a true statement. Yikes.) Then… BOOM again!!! Along came autism a second time in 2006. That was a game-changer. All of a sudden my to-do lists became too numerous to count and far too mind-boggling to explain let alone accomplish. That’s a really oversimplified way of saying the sh*t hit the fan. For the next several years I emotionally suffered. You’re probably thinking, “Oh, she was going through the normal expected stages of grieving over the autism diagnoses.” But no, that wasn’t it. My suffering existed because I had created a dream wherein accomplishing something meant I was “good” or “worthy.” My self-esteem was deeply rooted in my ability to “do” things and to do them with greatness. Having not one but two children with autism suddenly meant that on a good day I kept the house from falling down and on a great day I squeezed in a shower. That’s actually still true to this day. Productivity shmoductivity. I had to redefine what it meant to be happy and feel fulfilled without accomplishing anything truly measurable. I had to learn to find satisfaction in just being.
Flash forward… now it’s 2013. As evidenced by the Race for Autism fundraising quest I still get a high from “doing.” What is different now is that my self-esteem no longer rides on actually getting anything done and I am focused most often on the present moment. In the past eight years I’ve worked endlessly to help my oldest son speak but to minimal avail. I’ve read medical journals and research articles by the hundreds and still cannot heal my children’s gastrointestinal disease. I’ve labored and fought (not alone I might add) to get the most beautiful IEP’s written only to have providers not implement them. One step forward two steps back, over and over and over. From these experiences I’ve learned to not attach my self-esteem to actually achieving results, yet I don’t stop trying. I’ve learned to let go of the myth that any of this is under my control, but I still set goals. I’ve learned to accept that the stimulus is neutral, happiness is a choice, and I can choose to see life as a daring adventure or nothing at all. I choose a daring adventure. What I’ve learned most of all is that life is about the journey not the destination. I’ve had lots of opportunities to practice being comfortable in the present moment while still having my eye on a goal that may or may not ever come into fruition. It’s quite a task for a doer, let me tell you, but I’ve been working at it and slowly but surely I’m getting it. I’m appreciative of the process though I doubt I would have signed up for the learning experience if given the choice. That’s a true statement.
So THANK YOU for allowing me this once-a-year opportunity to set a tangible goal, entrust it into the hands of those who love and support me, and then have you lift me up into this place of feeling accomplished! Although my self-esteem doesn’t ride on it I still LOVE LOVE LOVE the thrill of getting so close to a goal that I can taste it! The sweetest part of this process besides knowing that the benefactor is a great charitable organization such as NFAR has been my role of allowing and trusting that YOU will help me achieve my goal. Letting go of the reins has always been the hardest part of the autism journey for me. So on more levels than I can eloquently speak or write please know that all of you who sponsored me in tomorrow’s Race for Autism have done more for me than I can express. You’ve touched my soul, you’ve lifted me up, and you’ve inspired me to keep on keepin’ on. Just so you know, we Doer’s glean a lot of spark from the occasional legitimate accomplishment. BOOM!
Peace & Gratitude to you all.
